A Means of Escape
by Midori Yoshida
Summary: After suffering at the Black Order for three years, Lenalee has decided to end her young life. Lee siblings' past. Warnings: Some language, attempted suicide and minimal gore. Lenalee's POV.


Title: A Means of Escape

Rating: T

Genre: Family/Drama

Characters: Lenalee and Komui, slight mention of Kanda x Lenalee

Summary: After suffering at the Black Order for three years, Lenalee has decided to end her young life. Lee siblings' past. Warnings: Some language, attempted suicide and gore. Lenalee's POV.

Idea came to while reading –Man to avoid doing my AP US History homework on Rosh Hashanah. My school system gives us all of the Jewish holidays off. _Sweet, e_ven if I'm not Jewish.

Note: I use the actual Chinese words for little sister (mei-mei) and older brother (ge-ge). I just find it weird that Lenalee would call her brother "Nii-san" even though they're not Japanese.

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-man. It belongs to Hoshino-sensei and others. If I owned it there'd be romance and more of Komui and Lenalee's past.

* * *

My legs did not stop bleeding. The Dark Boots hated me. I had failed to synchronize with my Innocence again. In Hevlaska's chamber, no one offered any sympathy. Leverrier and the scientists stared down at the bloody mess that were my nine-year-old legs. They made the already cold chamber feel 50° colder. I knew what they were thinking. _Why waste all this time on one useless nine-year-old whose Innocence rejected her?_ At least that was what I was thinking.

Hevlaska sounded angry with the scientists and especially _him._ Inspector Malcolm C. Leverrier, the one who was determined to make me synchronize with the Dark Boots, even if it killed me. I was too numb to let her words sink in. I kept my gaze downcast, not wanting to meet any of their cold, heartless eyes.

"Go fetch the Head Matron." I heard the Inspector yell at a finder. Another came to apply pressure on my open wounds. The second finder mumbled something about me going into shock. I was not in shock or anything. My unawareness to my surroundings was by choice. I did not feel lightheaded like I usually did. I was more disappointed than anything.

"Oh dear." A female voice snapped me out of my daze a few moments later. It was the Head Matron. She took over for the finder. "Do you feel lightheaded or weak, sweetie?" She asked me. I silently shook my head. "She's going to bleed out if you keep this up." She scolded the Inspector and the Science department. Leverrier looked down at the Head Matron and me, but mostly me, with an expression of disgust on his wrinkled face. The nurses who followed the Head Matron lifted me onto a stretcher and told me to relax. _How can I possibly relax?_ I wanted to scream. I tried to follow their advice. Slowing my heart rate down might help to slow the bleeding.

I should not be mad at them. The nurses seemed to be the only ones in the Order who seemed to give a fuck about me. I lean back on the stretcher. As they took me to the medical wing, I heard Leverrier yelling at the scientists about my Innocence.

The nurses brought me to the long white medical wing. I was very familiar with the infirmary, the blank walls and the sterile smell. I had spent a lot of my three years recovering in here. The Head Matron instructed the nurses to get some bandages and antiseptic. The two hurriedly did as they were told. The Matron helped me onto one of the stationary beds. She applied some antiseptic to my wounds. I hissed in pain as it makes contact with an open cut. "Sorry, honey." She continued to clean the blood and the wounds on both of my short legs. Once she was finished cleaning it, I could see all of the bruises that had accumulated on my legs. Their colors varied from red to purple as they marred my porcelain skin. Each mark signified a failed synchronization or escape attempt.

The matron began to wrap bandages around my legs. It was rare that my legs were not covered in bandages. The scientists checked my Innocence every week almost. My boots were supposed to give me the ability to run very quickly and jump very high. Yet after all that, my Innocence just hindered my walking. I feared every time I took I step, I would open a wound and bleed out.

A finder lady by the name of Annabelle brought me a change of clothes. "Here you go, Miss Lee." She placed the garments on the edge of the bed.

"Thanks." I said indifferently. She exited quickly. Annabelle brought another one of my black dresses. They were all knee-length and too frilly, just morbid. They were nothing like the simple and colorful cheongsams of my past, each one a different color or design.

"You should rest for a bit. We'll wake you up when its dinner time." the Matron smiled as she left to tend to others. I realized how sleepy I true was. I have gotten used to spending my afternoons in the infirmary. This one was no different. I shifted into a comfortable position. I placed my head onto the soft white pillow and closed my eyes, hoping sleep would come quickly.

Just as sleep was about to overtake me, a slightly high-pitched yell snapped me out of it. Kanda. He probably hurt himself during training and was being forced to get checked out. I opened my eyes to see Kanda wrestling with General Tiedoll and Marie. Each had an arm and the Head Matron tried to reason with the boy. I had just recently found out that Kanda was, in fact, a boy. With his long dark hair and feminine features, he really looked female. Those features were now in his usual scowl. He was cussing, in Japanese I assumed, at the nurse.

"Yuu, be nice." The General said kindly.

"You might as well let him be, General. He's probably healed anyway." Said another one of Tiedoll's apprentices, Daisya, I believe, from where he watched from the doorway.

"I don't need to stay here, dammit." Kanda switched to English. Tiedoll whispered something in Kanda's ear. Kanda's facial expression turned deadly. "You wouldn't." **(1.)**

"I would, so stay put." Tiedoll was up to something.

"Fine." Kanda gave in with a few insults under his breath.

"What was that, son?" The General grinned triumphantly.

"_Nothing _and I am _not_ your son." Kanda crossed his arms as soon as they were released.

"Take care now."

"Whatever." Kanda followed the Head Matron to the opposite end of the wing.

After the ruckus down, I finally fall asleep. It was a dreamless sleep. I awoke a few hours later to a thin hand gently shaking my shoulder. "Miss Lee, its dinnertime. You've been discharged so you can sleep in your own room afterwards." The Head Matron said my eyes opened slightly.

"Okay." I took a few minutes to wake myself up. It was rare that I sleep soundly. I looked down and someone had brought my black slippers that I wear through the building. I left them in Hevlaska's chamber. My legs sting a little as I put my weight on them.

I saw a few people on my way to the dining hall, save for a few finders. In the dining hall, I went to place my order with Jerry. "Hey there, sweetie-pie. What can I get for you?" One thing I could always count on was Jerry's ever presently bright smile. I decided to go with something traditional, so I went with chicken stir-fry with noodles.

When I received my meal, I thanked Jerry and made my way to sit across from Kanda. Most people thought I was brave for doing so, but I enjoyed his company and I doubted that he _full heartedly_ hated mine. He let me stay in his room when I tried to hide from Leverrier. "Hi," I greet him.

"Che." He barely looked up from his beloved soba. His black bangs blocked my view of his eyes. We had dinner in total silence, the entire table to ourselves. It was like a force-field he put up that only I could pass through.

"Why were you in the infirmary today?" I broke the silence.

That makes him look up. "Those three idiots thought I pulled some ligaments, but they healed by the time I got there." He said.

"Oh, good. It wasn't too serious." I mumbled.

"Even if it was."

"Right, you'll heal from anything." He nodded.

As dinner ended and I left the fining hall, two finders follow me. It felt like I was in a prison and they were my corrections officers. That had been the routine since my last escape attempt. Only time I was allowed to be alone were at mealtimes, when I was in my bedroom or in the washroom (The finders were always at the door). Otherwise, a finder or two was tagging along. Tonight, it was Annabelle, the same one who brought my clothes to the medical wing, and some young woman who could not be a day over twenty. They are one of the few female finders. And though I am inactive, I am one of about five female exorcists. Usually the two said nothing and I, in return, did not either. When we reached my room and both Annabelle and the other women were shocked when I say "Goodnight"

They too said "Goodnight, Miss Lee." I shut my door and I finally had some privacy. Only some because of my golem, it followed me everywhere. The scientists claimed that it does not record every single part of my daily life. They probably had some type of surveillance room where they watched my golem's live feed. I had yet to find the off switch on the damned thing.

The black golem buzzed annoyingly around my head. I tried to swat it away, but it was persistent. "Leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled at it. I learned that from Kanda. My brother would have chastised me for cursing, whether in English or Chinese. Although he had a foul mouth as well. I sighed as I prepared for bed.

I wished it would all end. All the akuma, Innocence, Anti-akuma weapons, The Black Order, all of it would disappear. I would live a typical, normal and happy life back home in China. I would still have parents, I would see my brother graduate from university, and I too would finish school. Maybe I'd get married and have children of my own some day. Everything would be perfectly normal.

I could not take it anymore. I know ge-ge must have been working to get me out of here. But, I could not wait much longer. This place was going to be the end of me. I had to take matters into my own hands. As I stood before the floor-to-ceiling window, I remembered the glass shards I kept.

My window had just recently been replaced. It broke when some exorcist was training outside and lost control of their anti-akuma weapon early one morning. A glowing spear had sailed straight through my window. It had jolted me out of a sound sleep. When the repairmen had come to replace it, I hid a few shards. I doubted they would notice.

I dashed to the dresser next to my window. I carefully searched through my clothes. The shards glistened in the faint moonlight. If I was going to do it, I had to do it soon. I wanted to meet my parents in heaven, even if I didn't remember them at all. I hoped to see ge-ge there too.

_Wait, do not think like that!_ I chided myself._ Without me, ge-ge can have a long and happy life._

"Be rational. Just wait a few days. We'll see what happens then." I placed the glass backing into the drawer, making sure to hide them better, just in case they checked my room. It would not be the first time. I crawl into bed. For the first time in a long time, I do not wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare.

* * *

Two weeks later, they made me try again. It was like clockwork. Every Monday morning, the mad me sync with the Dark Boots. _When will those assholes realize it would not work? _I would never be able to sync with the Dark Boots.

This time, I did not even give them the satisfaction of a reaction. When the Head Matron announced that I was not going to die from hemorrhaging, I excuse myself and lock myself in my room. Not as much as a whimper or a plea was released.

I tried to sleep it off, but a dream kept that from happening peacefully. I was used to vivid recurring dreams, but this was not one of them. It was too real. It was my past.

_I had this feeling like something bad was going to happen. It had been raining for days, but the rain was the hardest tonight. The howling wind made it fall almost sideways. I watched from the window seat in the family room. I jumped as lightning flashed across the angry sky._

"_You shouldn't be so close to the window, mei-mei." My bother said. I turned to see him leaning against the archway to our kitchen. He had just finished washing the dishes. He came over to join me at the window. "Looks like the gods are angry."_

"_What would they have to be angry about? They have the whole world at their command." I looked up at him._

"_I don't know. Perhaps they're angry over who is stronger." He smiled._

"_That's stupid. They're setting a bad example for the rest of us." I pouted. _If they wanted us humans to respect each other, I couldn't they be civil.

"_It's getting late. You should be should be getting to bed." He glanced at the clock on the opposite wall._

"_But, ge-ge…" I began to protest._

"_If I am not mistaken, somebody's turning six tomorrow." Komui said. He was right, my birthday was tomorrow. "How about we get up really early in the morning and go into town? We can get whatever you want for your birthday."_

_My pout turned into a bright smile."Really, ge-ge?"_

"_Yep, so go get ready for bed so we can get up early." He replied._

"_Okay." I said as I scurried off to wash up._

_A few minutes later after I have washed up and gotten into bed, Komui came to tuck me in."Happy Early Birthday, mei-mei." He kisses my forehead._

_I threw my arms around his neck to hug him. "I love you, ge-ge. You're the best brother ever." He hugged me back. When we break away he blew out the candle next to my bed._

"_I love you, too, mei-mei. Goodnight." He said as he shut the door to my room._

_I shifted to a more comfortable position on my side. I closed my eyes, hoping sleep would come quickly. But a distant lightning strike and the following crack of thunder kept from drifting off. I was not afraid of thunder and lightning. It was merely an annoyance. And that annoyance was soon followed by another, a knock on the front door. My room was very close to the front door in out one-story home. I heard my brother answer the door, then two unfamiliar voices. They were obviously not native Mandarin speakers. Their words were coated with strong accents. They sounded like the Europeans in Hong Kong, perhaps Englishmen._

_The conversation soon changed to English. My brother was fluent, I was not. It sounded heated, but I did not understand why though. My brother sounded very angry, occasionally slipping in some curses that I did know. They could not be fighting over money. Ge-ge was always care about that and our parents were wealthy merchants._

_There were footsteps and then a grunt. Against my better judgment, I went to my door and I cracked it a bit to take a look. The two men were wearing strange black and white coats with an even weirder silver cross on the left breast. The larger has my brother by the arms, keeping him still. My brother was tall, but this guy was huge. The other was looking through the different doors of the house._

_When he saw me, he dashed forward. I screamed. They were after me._

"_Run, Lenalee!" my brother shouted. I sprinted out the back door. The smaller man's legs were much long and he catches up to me just as I get outside. I kicked and screamed, but my almost six-year old legs were no match for him. He hauled me back into the house._

"_Let's get out of here." The one holding my brother said. His attention shifted back to Komui. "Sorry about this but…" He hit Komui over the head with something, incapacitating him._

"_Ge-ge!" I yelled at the top of my lungs as the two men threw me into their horse-drawn carriage. My collided with against the door on the opposite side. As everything went black, I could faintly hear Komui's cries for me._

I jolt awake. Tears and sweat streamed down my face. My nightgown was plastered to my skin. My breaths were short gasps. My chest heaved. It took a few minutes for me to calm my frantic self.

"Ge-ge." I sobbed, as if he could hear me. New tears spilled out. I hugged myself in a desperate attempt of comfort. My mind wondered from my tragic past to the glass shards. I jumped off my bed and ran to my dresser. I searched through my clothes, not caring about if I cut myself in my haste. "Thank God." I clasped one of the pieces in my hand, warm blood started to dripping onto the stone floor. It was not enough. The cuts clotted much too quickly. I cut deeply into my forearms and thighs, trying to hit a vital artery. As the tears continued to fall, my vision became blurry. I was lightheaded as I watched the scarlet life pour from me. Everything became dark.

* * *

"Oh shit! Go get help!" I faintly heard, Annabelle most likely. There are footsteps and Annabelle's arm wrapped around me. I gave in as all of my senses faded.

When my eyes opened, I was greeted by a stark white ceiling. _I must be in heaven. Oh please, let me see my family now._ My dream was cut short as I took in all of my surroundings. I looked to my sides. There is a bunch of IVs and a bag of B negative blood. A machine beeps in sync with my heart beat. I was in the infirmary. _Shit!_

I tried to sit up, but I was met with pains through my arms. I forced myself into a sitting position. I ripped off the IVs and the transfusion. The machine's beeps became anxious. As I tried to get off the bed, the Head Matron, a doctor, and a few nurses came to settle me.

"Please, Ms. Lee. You are going to harm yourself even more." The Head Matron pleaded with me.

"Let me die! I want to see my family." I screamed, tears streaming down my face once more. My attempts were futile, but I would not give in easily. My thrashing about continued until I felt a needle prick in my left arm, a sedative. My body slowly became numb.

The nurses took this opportunity to reposition me on the bed and reinsert the assorted needles. I stared at the doctor as he said, "Her Innocence is much too precious to lose. She has the potential to become a very powerful exorcist." He was holding leather restraints. The nurses take them and secure them at my wrists and ankles. I tried to show the hatred in my violet eyes, but my nerves were to numb to. The only thing they wanted was the Innocence. It was all about Innocence.

Well, I hated it, I hated Innocence. The Order claimed that they were fulfilling God's will. I hated him, too. _How could he let this happen? Why would he choose children to be his apostles?_ With a heavy pain in my heart, the only thing I could feel, darkness overcame me.

* * *

A soft and comforting hand brushed my bangs off to the side of my face. "I want to go home." I stirred.

"You are home." A voice said in my native tongue. _That voice,_ It couldn't be. I opened my eyes. It took a few moments for my eyes to focus. My brother sat in a chair next to my bed, his dark eyes watering.

"Ge-ge?" I could not believe my eyes. My body was too weak. I could only muster enough strength to grab the sleeve of his long white coat.

"Hello, mei-mei." He greeted me. He still looked the same, albeit older. He readjusted his glasses. Those were new. "I missed you so much." He pulled me into a hug.

"I missed you too." I found the strength to wrap my arms around his neck. Tears finally escaped my eyes. We maintained our embrace for a few minutes. They felt like nanoseconds because I never wanted to let go.

"I'll be staying at the Order with you from now on." Komui smiled.

"W-What do you mean?" My sobs caused me to stutter.

"I've just been promoted to the position of Supervisor." He explained. I noticed the rose cross emblazoned on his white coat.

"Really?" I looked up at him. He nodded. "Thank you so much." I hugged him even tighter. The bright smile on my face then falls.

"What's wrong?" Komui asked.

I pulled up the sleeves of my black dress. My forearms wore bandaged. "I tried to kill myself. I am so sorry."

"Why would you do something like that?" He gingerly held my forearm.

"It's the Innocence. It won't let me synchronize with it. It hates me and I hate it." I explained, pulling the hem of my dress up to my knees, for once my lower legs were not covered in bandages. He winced when he saw the assortment of bruises. "I hoped that I'd find our parents in heaven, maybe even you. I don't know what I was thinking. I was so stupid. I'm sorry." I started to hit myself.

Komui stopped my hand before I did any permanent damage. "Stop berating yourself. You were desperate. Desperation makes people desperate things. But, you can put that behind you. What matters is that you're safe and we're together again."

"How could you forgive me for that?" I sobbed into his shoulder.

"Because I love you, mei-mei." He said. "And I already knew about it?"

"You did?" I asked, a look of confusion spreading across my face.

"The nurse told me." He explained.

"Oh."

"You know what else they told me? A boy has been visiting you?"

"Why, ge-ge?"

"I believe his name is Kanda?"

"Oh." _Why would Kanda visit me?_

"Is something going on between you?"

"No." I sound like I am hiding something. _I'm not, am I?_

"Good, because then I would have to kill him." Same old ge-ge.

I smiled and rested my head against his chest. He rocked me like he did when I was younger. I wanted to stay like that forever. "I love you, ge-ge." I said before drifting off in his arms.

"I love you, too, mei-mei. I'm sorry I took so long." He said just before sleep completely takes me. **(2.)**

**

* * *

**

**(1.) **I'm still trying to think of a decent Tiedoll-like threat that would pissed Kanda off enough for him to give in.

**(2.) **I know for a fact that this is not exactly what was said when the Lee siblings were reunited, but this is what I thought should have happened. Tell me if it sucks.

Constructive Criticism is welcome. No pointless flames please.

_Midori-chan_


End file.
